Whoo! Sweet Jesus.
- Charmaine, go. - Uh-uh.
Go!
She's a maniac, maniac...
Slow down.
GIRL: Watch out!
(SCREAMING)
(GROANING)
Now I know why they call it The Nutcracker.
I was twirling.
CHIRKOFF: Have you seen this guy? BOTH: No.
I'm looking for this Prodi-G. Have you seen him?
I'm a record producer. I'm very interested in talking to him.
Oh, for realsie? You're standing before his DJ!
Yeah, and, um, I'm his business partner.
You're not his partner.
- You're his hype man. - Whatever.
Have you seen him?
MIA since Sunday.
The Prodi-G, he's been known to go on personal retreats
to exorcise his demons.
Let me give you my card.
If you see him, call me.
Maybe we can all do business.
Most definitely! Business sounds good, baby. Take care now.
Let me see that card.
TRENT: So, tell me once again. Why do I have to go to art?
Because you're a student here and you need to keep up your cover.
- This ain't even my type of art. - Oh, shut up!
Oh!
You must be our new student, Charmaine.
- Hey! - Just in time for figure day.
Oh! Here's our nude model!
Now, you just disrobe whenever you feel comfortable.
Now that's my type of art!
Oh, no, no! Ain't nobody getting naked!
That'd be shameful.
What on earth do you mean, Big Momma? This is a fine art class.
We're studying the human form.
Yep. That's right, Big Momma. This is fine art.
And she is mighty fine.
And besides, we're all women here.
(STAMMERS) Well, of course. I know that.
But what you're doing, you know, with this woman getting naked...
What you're doing is you're reinforcing
a terrible stereotype.
Yeah, um,
92.6% of the females in this country
are size 12 or bigger!
- Really? - Yeah!
What with the media images
telling girls that they won't be happy unless they're a size negative zero,
well, that just distorts our body image!
And causes eating disorders.
And alopecia.
- Oh. - Yeah.
And no offense, young lady,
but you got a little body and a big-ass head! Yeah.
The circumference on that thing is like...
Oh, don't listen to her!
She's having hot flashes. Go ahead, girl, show us what you got!
- Wait. - No.
You know,
I think I agree with Big Momma.
- You do? - Yes.
We have never once had a full-figured model.
(STAMMERING) It's shameful.
- Shameful! - So how about it, Big Momma?
- Excuse me? - I think you should be our model.
Amen!
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Yeah, it's all clear in here.
Pipes are great.
I think you should be our model.
Big Momma don't be getting butt naked for nobody!
- Oh, come on. You're beautiful! - No, I don't get down like that.
I know I'm beautiful, but I don't get down like that.
- Oh! - No.
I need more pastels.
I need a huge canvas.
Excuse me, but shouldn't I be eating some grapes,
or a cheeseburger or something?
You are an inspiration just as you are.
Okay. Class.
It's time for a new pose. Artists, grab a new canvas.
Big Momma?
Oh, okay. Well, um...
How about that one right there?
Very good.
Now, if you'd kindly just drop the sheet.
- Say what? - Don't be shy.
Like you said, these girls need role models.
Well, I got a lot of rolls, but they're not exactly the kind...
Oh, come on, Big Momma, let it all hang out!
(EX CLAIMS) You don't want it to all hang out!
Show us what a real woman looks like!
- (ALARM WAILING) - Hurry up, it's a fire!
Get out of here! It's a fire!
Girl, your hair's gonna crimp up if it catches on fire.
Yeah, I'm gonna let the students and staff know the status.
False alarm, ladies! Back to class, back to class!
(EX CITEDLY) Hello,
Big Momma!
(GRUNTS)
Wrapped in that sheet, you look like Aphrodite.
More like the centerfold for Thick and Juicy.
Kurtis Kool, meet my great-niece, Charmaine.
- How you doing, Charmaine? - A little tip about Big Momma.
The more she resists, the more she wants you.
With those Beyoncé thighs and the Rihanna eyes!
- Get it? - GIRLS: Big Momma! Big Momma!
It's Mia. She's saying she's going to kill herself.
What you talking? That's terrible!
- I've got to get dressed. - Hurry!
Beautiful thing.
Boom shaka-laka-laka! Boom shaka-laka!
It's Kurtis. I'm out front.
Charmaine!
- Do you have a free period? - Uh, I do now.
- Good. Come shopping with me. - Okay. All right.
All right, all right. I had to get dressed! What is all this...
Ooh!
Blood! Did anyone call 911?
Mia?
Oh, my God.
You told me she was going to kill herself.
- I want to die! - You have too much to live for.
Calm down. Tell Big Momma what happened.
We bought hair dye at Walgreens and the directions were in Spanish.
She takes French.
Child, don't you know cheap hair dye is like an old man?
It don't last long and it marks up the furniture.
I thought if I looked different, Delanté would fall back in love with me.
You look different, all right.
But now, listen.
He has got to love you for all the stuff you can't buy in no store.
And if he don't,
then don't change yourself, change your man.
Huh? We feeling the deepness?
Huh? Think about that.
What about my hair?
Oh, well, that's got to go.
Yeah, we're gonna wash that fella right out of your hair.
Ew, not that.
- Definitely not that! - (GASPS)
- This. - Mmm-mmm.
I'm not sure that's me. You know?
I know what's you. Trust me.
All right, girl. You want this one?
What do you mean? We're sharing.
What are you waiting for? Take your clothes off.
Oh.
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Uh, girl, something just came up! I'll be right back.
I'll be right back!
(CRASHING)
- Are you okay? - Uh, I'm all right!
(CRASHING CONTINUES)
Ain't nothing feel better than washing a bad man out of your hair.
My own Big Momma used to mix up sulfur blue with industrial cleanser.
Oh!
There we go.
Vaseline?
God's gift to black people.
Ashy coming out of the bathtub? Baby's got a diaper rash?
Your hair look like it just took a mug shot?
Just rub it in!
There. Watch me work my magic now.
Voilá!
There you go. (CHUCKLES)
You're a genius! Thank you!
I just brought the beauty outside.
Um...
Come over here for a second and let Big Momma get a talk with you.
Tell me what you know about the missing music box.
You didn't hear this from me, but Jasmine and Isabelle,
I heard them say they're meeting someone near the library tonight.
- With what? - I don't know.
But I heard them say that Isabelle's gonna bring it in her bag.
- You look awesome, girl. - Oh!
Back at you, H-bomb.
Yo, Robinson.
Delanté.
- Looking fine today, Haley. - Yes, she is.
How about we hang out after your big show?
You just broke up with Mia.
Help me heal.
Come on.
IM me if you change your mind.
HALEY: Ugh! Those guys are such tools. TRENT: Right?
So, you got, like, a boyfriend or anything?
No way.
I'm beginning to think the guy I'm looking for doesn't really exist.
How about you?
Oh, no, girl.
The guy for me definitely does not exist.
You know what? I think I got somebody I could hook you up with, girl.
- Really? - Yep.
- Who? - He's my cousin.
His name is Trent. Hottie. Buff. Right?
He's our age. Plus, he's like a hip-hop lyrical miracle.
You've probably seen him perform at the Promenade. He goes by the name of...
- The Prodi-G? - (IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, yeah!
- (GIRLISHLY) Yeah, yeah! - Thinks he's all that and then some?
Talks about himself in the third person
and thinks that every girl on the planet is after him?
No offense, Charmaine, but your cousin is the last kind of guy I'd ever hook up with.
- (GIGGLES) - (GIGGLES SARCASTICALLY)
Ew, the Prodi-G.
So, uh,
what is your type?
He's artistic.
Sensitive. Interested in people besides himself.
And he likes long,
sweet, slow, lingering kisses.
Damn.
Damn!
What? Are you making fun of me?
Oh, no, girl. No, I'm saying that's exactly Trent.
Sure, he can be all puffed up on the outside,
but once you get to know him, I'm saying, he's a real sweetheart.
I mean, you guys should, like, be a couple!
He was thinking about going to the Showcase tomorrow.
Maybe you guys can hook up, you know, after the dance. Tomorrow night.
I don't know. Can I meet him before?
(CHUCKLING) No! It's tomorrow night.
Well, how about tonight, then?
Oh, he'll be there.
Good.
MALCOLM: Just Kurtis Kool.
(SIGHS) Let me see.
What is wrong with you? Your life's in danger
and what did you do? You go shopping.
Look, shopping is a very big deal for girls.
It's like their sports. If they ain't doing it, they're talking about it.
Comparing stats, tracking sales. It's like a fantasy league, you know?
So help me, Trent, if you're falling for that Haley girl...
(STAMMERING) I'm not going for Haley. I mean... No.
- She's not my type. - Good.
Okay, so, why don't we just go down there and intercept it?
MALCOLM: Not yet. Surveillance is a waiting game.
We can't do anything that could blow our cover.
Besides, if Mia is spinning us, let's just hope that if it is the music box,
that the flash drive's still inside it.
Oh, okay.
(SIGHS) So we just wait here.
(MALCOLM HUMMING)
Wait a minute. Is that the Tempts?
Not too old school for you?
No, actually, I was thinking about sampling it for my mix tape.
Can you sing it?
I'd rather hum.
I mean, but if you sing it, I can catch a vibe and I can have a dope mix tape
with some old-school jams on there. Then we can like...
All right.
(SINGING) Papa was a rolling stone
- Wherever he laid his hat was his home - What
And I'm so fly But I get it from my fam
And we in the place and we on a case Vibin' out to an old-school jam
(LAUGHS) I like that.
I like how you put the little new school with the old school. I could feel that.
I could jam to that. I could, you know, do this little thing I do.
Now, what's that?
A little something I used to do back in the day called the Cleveland Shuffle.
Oh, no, I need that. Come on.
- Well, it's two to the right. - Okay.
Two to the left. Now freak with it.
Freak with it. Freak with it, freak with it.
Kick. Now you get your spin on. Right?
Right? Bring it back.
(EX CLAIMS) Then you freak with it.
Freak with it. That's right.
And your arms got to be in a little T. Rex position.
- Okay. - So a little something...
- Now freak with it. - So it's like the Soulja Boy, right?
No, Soulja Boy, that's a little hop thing.
I know what you're talking about, but that's a little hop thing.
- This is... - This is more like this?
This is Tempts. When them boys was...
- I like that. - You know, "Oooh!"
You know, that kind of thing. That's why I like doing this move.
'Cause it's not that complicated.
(LAUGHING)
Wait, what's up?
There are the girls. All right.
Chirkoff must have gotten to Kurtis Kool
and Kurtis Kool got the girls to steal the music box.
I can't believe that.
Look, Trent. Get back in that dress, all right?
- I'm gonna check it out. - Okay.
(UPBEAT SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)
All right
Come on You're outta sight
You got to give me just what I need
And a sweet little something that brings a man to his knees
I like it easy I like it nice and slow
- Boo. - Oh!
(CHUCKLING)
Wow, a security guard with stalkers.
I'm a curious woman.
Why don't you come and throw back some juice with me?
Let me satisfy that curiosity.
Well, all right. A little juice.
- This way? - Mmm-hmm.
I know, lately
Hey, have you seen a girl...
Oh, okay. Thank you.
Haley?
Trent?
What's up? How you doing?
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late. These poetry readings always run long.
- You do spoken word? - Yeah.
And I like slow, lingering kisses.
You know, it's weird that you would say that.
Yeah, 'cause you feel the same way, too, right?
No, it's just weird that you would say that.
Right, right. Because rap don't allow me to get my sensitivities out.
And I got a lot of sensitivities
I like to get out. As a man, it's like...
They're deep. It's like an ocean inside me.
At the poetry jam, uh,
we get all our sensitivities out, you know what I'm saying?
- And we be snapping... - (SIGHING) Okay.
And it's like... It's, uh...
You know, I'm really sorry all Charmaine's coaching had to go to waste,
but I think that I'm just going to go.
No, no, no, wait, just stay. Stay.
(STAMMERS) Look.
Charmaine told me you were a beautiful, great girl.
And usually, beautiful, great girls don't go for...
The Prodi-G?
Yeah. Well, that's not exactly who I am.
This isn't who I am. This is...
Okay, then, who are you?
I don't know. I don't know who I am.
I'm still trying to figure that out.
Me, too.
Yeah. Can we run this back?
Yes. Yes, we can.
I'm Trent.
- Haley. - Haley.
Your champagne, my Nubian goddess.
Now don't go putting me on no pedestal. You know it might break.
What you talking about, girl? I like a woman with a little
funk in her trunk!
And some shrimp in the backyard. That's a woman!
(LAUGHS) Well, you know I like me a man with a dangerous side.
Something tells me that Kurtis Kool is not just a man
- with keys and a Taser, huh? - (LAUGHING)
And you're ticklish!
Well, I'm into some illegalities at the moment.
Oh? Well, what kind?
Well, just typical BS, you know.
Middleman stuff.
Holding something hot.
(WHISPERING) That's "stolen."
Who you holding it for?
What are you, the FBI?
No! Ain't no FBI!
You wearing a wire?
- What? No! - I'm going to find the wire!
- Can you hear this? - No...
Now that's funny, 'cause I know I ain't no FBI.
This I know.
(CHUCKLING)
(SIGHING) Oh.
You're so beautiful.
So much I like you.
You know,
you're my high priestess of delight.
No, no... Kurtis Kool!
- I just want to bite you! - Kurtis!
You got
Motownopoly. Let's play.
Yeah.
I got a better game than that.
(HALEY LAUGHING)
So, look, I should get back.
Really? Why?
I guess I got a little time.
- Damn! - Damn!
Yo! It's Trent!
Yo, you got the producer guy's number?
Yo, call him and tell him we found our boy.
What's he doing?
Yeah. Yeah, we found our boy!
(ENGINE STARTING)
Trent! Yo!
Whoa! Rembrandt. Wow.
Yeah. This is my crew.
- This is Rembrandt and Scratch. - Hey.
- How you doing? - How you doing?
Yo, you got your step-pop to sign the contract yet?
Yeah, man, I'm on it.
- Come on, I want to take you somewhere. - Okay.
- See you guys later. - See you guys.
- All right. - Yeah, you do that!
'Cause we got somebody we want you to meet.
- Yeah, I'll holler. Okay. - Yeah, yeah! Tomorrow, Trent!
Scratch and Rembrandt, they're like, I don't know, one's tall, one's short.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I noticed that.
We found him.
CHIRKOFF: Just stay with him. See if he leads you to the father.
Okay.
Let the games begin.
You know, these girls of mine are driving me up a wall.
You know Jasmine Lee and Isabelle Parada?
No, refresh my memory.
Left foot, red.
They gave you a bag about an hour ago.
Right foot, yellow.
Oh! That Jasmine and Isabelle.
(GRUNTS) Sorry, Big Momma.
You know, those girls could be in a lot of trouble. And so could you.
So who you holding that bag for? Someone outside the school?
You really want to see that bag?
Damn!
Right hand, blue.
Are you...
Is it blue?
Mmm-hmm. Right hand, blue.
Come to papa.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
KURTIS: Left hand, green!
Oh, well...
Looks like we're all out of green. Game over.
No, no, no. I got your green.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. Go ahead. Reach for the stars, baby.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, hell, no!
What's wrong with your voice?
You heard me. Get your ass up.
Sister, you a brother?
Not again.
You touch me again, I'll knock you into next Sunday.
Hand over the bag. Hand over the bag, now!
Every time I try to meet somebody, it's ding-a-ling-a-ling!
Be quiet! All right?
I'm undercover. FBI. Now give me the damn bag.
- Wow. - (EX CLAIMS IMPATIENTLY)
What the hell?
What the hell is a grown man doing with a damn rooster?
(SIGHS) The girls stole it from St. Ignatius.
The boys' school? They're the Gamecocks.
They were gonna give it back after the Showcase.
(CLUCKING)
You want to finish the game?
- HALEY: Come on. - Where are we going?
- You'll see. - Okay.
Wow.
It's my home away from home.
- This is nice. - Tomorrow night's the Showcase
and it's my best shot at getting a scholarship for composition.
Without a scholarship, I'm out.
Everyone is gonna be there, you know? Juilliard, Berklee, Peabody and Oberlin.
All right, look. Okay. So, I see a beautiful woman right now.
I see a dope piano.
And nobody's playing it.
You want me to play?
- Yeah. - Right now.
All right, I guess I gotta play it.
No, no, don't touch my piano.
- Excuse me. - Excuse me.
(HALEY CLEARING THROAT)
Okay, please don't judge. It's rough.
(PLAYING SOULFUL TUNE)
(SINGING WORDLESS MELOD Y)
See? It's not totally there yet. I don't know, something's missing.
No, it's not missing nothing. It's tight.
You just got to feel it, you know what I mean?
You got to, like, speed it up a little bit.
- Speed it up? - Yeah.
Okay, um...
(PLAYING SLIGHTLY FASTER)
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- That's better, right? - Yeah.
(SINGING WORDLESS MELOD Y)
(SINGING) You've given me everything
You make me complete
(SINGING WORDLESS MELOD Y)
- Yeah, I like that, I like that. - You like that?
Should we syncopate it?
(SIGHS) Look, normally, I don't syncopate on the first date, but...
(SINGING WORDLESS MELOD Y)
(HARMONIZING)
All right, this is what we're gonna do next, right?
You're gonna go up a little higher. You know what I mean?
Up an octave?
Yeah, an octave.
(PLAYING HIGHER)
(SINGING) Baby, you know
You are the air that I breathe
The life that's in me
Me and you, we chillin' Hangin', cruisin'
Me and you together ain't worth losin'
On the keys, being crazy
Happy that I get to see you daily
Each time I see you
My heart starts to pound
Whenever you come around
'Cause you are all I need
(SINGING WORDLESS MELOD Y)
You've given me everything
You make me complete
Yeah, you are all I need
You're making me better, see
All of the love that you're giving me
- How did you... That song is amazing. - It's perfect, right?
We have to do it at the Showcase tomorrow night.
We?
Yeah, we'll blow everyone away!
I mean, you know, it's your show. I'll be watching.
No, come on, you're a part of this. I can't do it without you.
Please?
- What time? - Really?
Thank you!
I have to go back to the dorms before I get in trouble.
Yo.
Let's break night.
- "Break night." - Yeah.
I love that.
You're so amazing with words.
I can't believe you don't want to go to college.
I mean, all of those writers and poets you could study.
You know, I just figured I got to strike while the iron's hot.
Jay-Z didn't drop Reasonable Doubt until he was 27.
Said the world's in a rush, but he waited to be perfect.
Hmm.
Well,
I'm feeling pretty perfect right now.
Me, too.
I have curfew.
- See you tomorrow night? - Yeah.
Yeah, tomorrow night!
Kid's here to see his girlfriend, not his father.
Then take him. We'll kill him later.
Right now, he's bait.
Okay.
Let's go get him.
Let's go. Come on.
Two girls in one night.
You got to give the kid credit.
Not so much.
You idiots! How could you lose him?
I don't know. But I know where to find his girlfriend.
Both of them.
(ROOSTER CROWING)
Here's the deal.
You want me to keep your secret
about kidnapping Foghorn Leghorn here,
then tell me what you know about the music box missing from the library.
- Okay. - That a girl.
There's a music box in the library and now it's missing.
(GROWLING)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Big Momma, I have been looking for...
(CROWING)
What is the St. Ignatius mascot doing here?
Okay, I'm going to give you to the count of three.
And if nobody speaks up, then neither of you is going to the Showcase.
One.
Two.
MALCOLM: They didn't steal the bird!
Uh, they found it.
Yeah, it was wandering around the quad and they brought it to me.
GAIL: Oh. Well...
Thank you, girls.
There go one of my flock in need of some counseling.
Listen. I suggest you get this bird back to St. Ignatius
before it lays any more eggs.
But it's a rooster.
Child, they all taste the same when you preheat the oven to 350.
Try it!
(IN NORMAL VOICE) You!
Stop!
Come here! Come here!
Come here!
MIA: I know that I've left you a couple of other voice mails.
You can ignore those.
- I can call you back. - (IN WOMANLY VOICE) Drive!
I can't! Delanté used to drive me everywhere! I barely know...
Child, I told you, you don't need no damn Delanté! Now, drive!
Turn!
- I almost hit him! - Almost don't count.
(TRUCK HONKING)
Now take it up to 80.
- Eighty? - You heard me! Eighty!
Great. I'm being followed by a fat lady in a driver's ed car!
She's catching up.
Turn here!
Over there! I'm going to pull the emergency brake.
(MALCOLM EX CLAIMING)
This little go-kart handles well.
Keep driving! Go!
- Now don't slow down. - You're going to kill us!
Without Delanté, you got nothing to live for.
No, I do! I have friends and I have school...
That was amazing!
VLAD: Watch out!
- What do we do now? - Pray for the airbags.
I can do this!
Well, I think you learned enough for one day. I'll drive.
MALCOLM: They were here. I gotta believe they're coming back.
They're going to kill me.
You've never taken off that dress. How would they know you were here?
They wouldn't. But if they did.
Trent, is there something you want to tell me?
No.
Now, listen. Get back in costume.
Do not get out of it under any circumstances.
- All right? - All right.
Hey. Don't worry.
I'll find it when everyone's at the Showcase tonight.
Okay? All right.
ISABELLE: You guys have to see.
(ALL GASPING)
HALEY: Isabelle, it's great. You really captured her.
TRENT: Yeah, girl, and there's a whole lot to capture.
Thanks. I just hope the RISD admissions people agree.
Yeah, they totally will.
Hey, have you heard from Trent? He better be here soon.
- Big Momma? - Yes, dear?
You knew I took the rooster and you didn't narc me out.
Child, this is not Big Momma's first barbecue.
You putting on this front of toughness.
Trying to act all growed up.
I'm a senior.
Child, I see who you are on the inside.
You're a good, sensitive girl. No different than Big Momma.
You're strong-willed,
just trying to take care of the people who depend on you.
Plus
I'm starving!
Aw! The poor baby is hungry!
(EX CLAIMING SYMPATHETICALLY)
I did something else.
Worse than the rooster.
She wanted to be a Diva so bad,
I told her she could be if she stole the music box.
- Who? - Haley. I made her do it.
I told her to bring it tonight so that we could put it back.
- Where is Haley? - I just saw her with Mia.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our annual Showcase!
Get ready to see some of the best
and brightest young talent that Atlanta has to offer.
Well, thank you for telling me, all right?
That was big of you, you know?
Now you get out there and break a leg, and make Big Momma proud.
And afterward, I'm going to have a double cheeseburger
and a regular Coke.
Supersize it!
- (CHUCKLING) ...Jasmine Lee!
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - Now go, go! Go, go, go!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
How many times do I gotta say I'm sorry?
Sorry?
"Sorry" don't mean squat from a two-timing dog!
Like Aunt Yorima used to say,
"It's better to be alone with yourself for the rest of your life
"than together with bad company for a minute."
And, honey, you is bad company!
You're an entire conglomerate of badness!
Wait. Who is Aunt Yorima?
Mia? You seen Haley?
Yeah. I think she's with Charmaine. Try the other side of the stage.
- This Delanté? - Yeah.
(EX CLAIMS DISAPPROVINGLY)
And another thing...
(WHISPERING) Hey, Haley. Hey, girl.
Where is Trent? I'm up next!
Excuse me.
Listen, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Trent's not going to make it.
What? What am I going to do?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Bravo! You did your thing. I saw that move.
All right, listen. Breathe, girl, breathe. It's all good.
You're going to go out there and you're gonna be great.
You don't need Trent.
Next, with an original composition, Haley Robinson!
Okay.
Big Momma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be chaperoning!
There are boys backstage.
All right, all right.
Hey! What are you... Get out of there, you!
You don't try to get a little nookie! I'm gonna tan your hide!
Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
(PLAYING SONG UNEVENLY)
(SINGING MELOD Y TIMIDLY)
(STOPS PLAYING)
Um...
(AUDIENCE MURMURING)
I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a duet.
It still is, girl. Look, Trent taught me everything.
- What? - Rock with it.
(RESUMES PLAYING)
(BOTH HARMONIZING)
(SINGING) Baby, you know
You are the air that I breathe
The life that's in me
Oh
And each time I see you
My heart starts to pound
Whenever you come around
'Cause you are all I need
You're making me better, see
From all of the love
- That you're giving me - Every time I think about you
Want you, need you, hold you Kiss you, love you
Never would place a person on this earth above you
I just want to be the one to make you feel amazing
And because you keep it real We singing
HALEY: And each time I see you
My heart starts to pound
Whenever you come around
Yeah, you are all I need
Uh, you gentlemen...
Are you invited guests?
That's the crazy lady who chased us.
Get out of our way. We have business here.
Only business you have here is none-ya.
What? "None-ya"?
None-ya damn business!
(IN DEEPER VOICE) I crossed the line I'm wrong to lie
I'll make you mine
Yeah, you are all I need
Wait
(RAPPING) These words I'm speaking got me going crazy
I need you, Haley
To be my baby
(MUSIC STOPS)
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
Wardrobe malfunction!
(AUDIENCE EX CLAIMING)
- Haley... - You... You're...
- Let me explain. - I trusted you!
- No, listen, listen. - My God, everything I told you?
I'm just saying... Listen.
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
Haley!
(GRUNTS) Security! Security! He groped me!
He's trying to freak me!
He's groping me! He's trying to freak me!
Oh, Lord! Call the FBI, ask for Agent Crawford.
Tell him you're a friend of Big Momma's and keep everyone in the auditorium!
I don't understand.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Just do it. I'll explain it to you later.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. Everyone, please stay in your seats, okay?
Mrs. Mercier, dancers, please!
Split up!
- Haley! - Trent! Trent!
- Haley! - Yo, yo, yo! What is this thing?
Dude, you are all kinds of freaky!
Does Haley like you better as a girl or a boy?
Look, I can't do this right now.
Big boy! Come on, man!
Come on, get him! Get him!
(IN NORMAL VOICE) All right. Y'all got 30 seconds to get your asses off campus
or there's a hell of a lot more where that came from.
Bounce!
You've got some explaining to do.
Look, Chirkoff's guys must've made me yesterday in town.
I took off Charmaine's outfit just once, to get close to Haley.
You blew your cover. And you lied to me about it!
- For a girl who played you? - She didn't play me.
Oh, yeah? Did she tell you she had the music box?
You act like you're the man. And you were starting to convince me.
But it's all an act, you know why?
'Cause a real man wouldn't risk his life for some girl.
Look, she ain't just some girl!
You did the same thing when you met my mom.
This is nothing like that.
Come on. Come on. Malcolm!
- In. In! - Yo!
Stay there! Do not move.
Look, you got to trust me! Malcolm!
Damn!
Haley! Haley!
Haley!
Boss. We got him.
H-bomb!
- Go away! - Look, let me explain.
Leave me alone!
Look, you got the music box in that bag, don't you?
Yeah, and right now I just want to put it away and get out of here,
seeing as how my life is pretty much ruined!
Look, there's some crazy, dangerous people after that.
What are you talking about? It's just some old music box.
Not really.
Look. This flash drive got evidence that'd put away some really bad people.
That's why I've been working undercover.
What?
So this was just some kind of job?
(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)
Our night together? Our kiss?
We'll talk about that later. But right now, I need this.
- There's no later. - Haley.
Actually, I'll take the drive!
Trent!
- TRENT: Haley, come on! - (HALEY SCREAMS)
HALEY: Run, run!
(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)
Talk to me.
VLAD: The kid's with the girl, they're in the library.
Haley, we got to get you somewhere safe.
- Let go of me! - Come on.
DMITRl: Don't move.
Runs pretty good for a woman.
(IN WOMANLY VOICE) Oh, don't shoot.
I'm not even wearing a clean pair of granny panties.
Coroner's gonna think I'm some two-bit floozy!
Shut up.
(GAGGING)
My palpitations!
My poor cholesterol heart!
Like Fred Sanford said, "I'm coming to join you, Elizabeth!"
Wait, wait, wait!
Come on. Come on!
This way.
Big Momma! Catch!
Move. Move!
- Haley, it's gonna be okay. - Shut your mouth!
You're just gonna hurt these innocent children?
- Give me the flash drive. - What if I say no?
I'm pretty good with this gun.
My late husband Othar taught me how to use it
in case of a home invasion.
Give him the gun, or I shoot the kids.
Now,
the flash drive.
Very good, Agent Turner.
It took me a while to figure out. Then I remember.
You're the master of disguise.
Take off the fat suit. I want to check you for weapons.
Look, don't shoot the kids, all right?
He don't remember what he saw.
Kill them.
And this time, no witnesses.
- My pleasure. - Hey, Trent.
CHIRKOFF: I'm checking the flash drive.
I'm sorry. I was wrong to think we could pull this off.
This is my fault.
No. You was just trying to protect me.
I lied to you and everything. I'm sorry, Dad.
All right, this family hour has to end. I'm going to throw up.
Hey, whoa. Just let me say one last thing to my boy.
You know, I'll go to my grave wishing we could have done
that Cleveland Shuffle together.
- Remember? - Mmm.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
Killer step. If I just had one more chance.
- Remember, it'd be two to the right, - (GRUNTING IN RHYTHM)
Two to the left.
BOTH: Now freak with it, freak with it. Freak with it, freak with it.
Enough! No more mistakes.
I never leave a witness.
Wait.
(GROANING)
My name is Kurtis Kool
and I just fried this fool.
AGENT: FBI!
Move it! Move it!
Kurtis Kool.
You saved my boy. Thank you, man.
Just protecting the next generation of hip-hop.
Haley, hi.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
- I knew she was a narc. - Hey, he's not a narc, he's a fed.
- Same thing. - You're a boy.
What's up? We cool now?
Weird.
Hey.
Look, I know I agreed to this.
And after the last few days, I want you to know I'm happy to do it.
You've grown up.
I got to start trusting you in your decisions.
The contract.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
(LAUGHING)
Wow.
I'm going to Duke.
Yeah. I'm going to study music.
The Notorious PhD.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know, I realize there's no rush to greatness.
I mean, you only get one chance to be the new guy.
Spoken like a real man.
Look at you, boy. Look at you.
You know, I'm pretty sure you called me Dad back there.
- Did I? - Yeah, you did.
(CHUCKLES) You know, heat of the moment, a little gunplay, we say things.
Uh-huh.
So, uh,
- Dad. - Shoot.
Can I keep the boobs?
Put the bag in the car.
I just feel like I deserve them.
You know, I had to wear them for so long.
If that's what you want.
Son, I was thinking, your moms doesn't need to know everything.
TRENT: You want me to lie to Moms?
MALCOLM: It's just, some things she don't need to know.
TRENT: Okay. You don't want her busting that vein in her forehead over nothing.